Xemnas's Theraputic Vacation
by ArcBus
Summary: ...And other related stories involving the KH cast on crack. For TinoaGaruna. Not intended to be serious.
1. Xigbar And Luxord's Quest

**XEMNAS'S THERAPEUTIC VACATION**

**And Other Related Stories Involving The Cast Of KH On Crack.**

_**Or, Alternatively Titled: 'Something Really, Really, Really Stupid Came Into ArcBus's Head And Once Again She Found Herself Writing For The Sake Of RANDOM IMPULSIVE Purposes, Whilst On The Way To Kingdom Hearts'.**_

_Written by: ArcBus_

_As a Christmas present for: TinoaGaruna. Merry Christmas, my dear Other!_

_Note: A lot of the story will be inside jokes between myself and TinoaGaruna, so I personally don't care if you 'don't get it', because, well, all respective reviewers, it's not actually meant for you. It's meant for her. Okay? So I won't accept flames for it. It's just for her. __**GOTTIT**_

_AND, NO, IT ISN'T SERIOUS. AT ALL! xD_

_Disclaimer: I don't own everything that is copyrighted in this fan fiction. And that goes for all chapters._

_Now, without further ado, on with the fic!_

**PROLOGUE**

Ah, the World That Never Was. Even if it _was _a world, it still never was. It's reachable by Gummi Ship, and therefore counts as a world. It's title also states that it is a _world. _

In the World That Never Was, there was, of course, the Castle That Never Was. And in the Castle That Never Was, there were, of course, thirteen Nobodies, traces of a fourteenth (which will remain traces until Square-Enix gets off their money-hungry candy asses and gives us more information on KH 358/2 Days, a hell of a lot of Lesser Nobodies - Dusks, for example - and a tiny little blonde girl in a tiny little white dress. Who was also a Nobody. But, you all knew that, right?

So, what does the sum of all of those subjects equal? It equals a random, pointless, and probably the most stupid ArcBus story _yet _- THAT'S what it equals!

Well, one day the majority of the 13th Order were sat in their huge thrones in the White Room like crazy people that think sitting down all day is fun.

"Ahem…" Xemnas cleared his throat. "Well, I shall be going on that 'short break' tomorrow, on account of my 'little problem'."

"We know." The others that were present chorused in perfect sync since they DID know and were fairly sick of referring to Xemnas's Medomalacuphobia as a 'little problem'. Wouldn't YOU be?

"Oh. Okay." Xemnas said, before the room returned to silence.

"…Why are we just sat here?" Roxas enquired after a hefty and awkward 5 minutes of silence. He shifted slightly uncomfortably before he spoke.

Saïx gave him a blank glower, trying to be all 'Superior' since after Xemnas's departure, he would be in charge. "If you wish to be excused, you may leave."

"Whoopskiddo!" Roxas exclaimed happily, and opened up a portal around him and DISAPPEARED! Just like that!

"Can I go?" Axel asked.

"NO." Xemnas said loudly, since he thought if Axel left, he would go to molest Roxas. And that he most certainly didn't want… At least, not until his 'little problem' was sorted out.

Axel rolled his eyes and snorted, but his irritation went ignored as two new portals opened in the 4th and 12th seats, which caught everyone else's attention.

"And where have you two been?" Xemnas asked instantly, folding his arms like he was the BOSS of everyone. Which technically he was. But that's not the point, is it? Actually, maybe it is… WHATEVER!

"Vexen was showing me his test tube." Larxene replied casually, so that the metaphor wasn't _that _obvious.

Xemnas raised his eyebrow slowly, remembering that Larxene had given him the EXACT same excuse the previous day. And the day before that. And the day before that. AND the day before that! "But, you saw it yesterday, did you not?"

"Yup. I like to see it every day." She said dully, taking a nail file from her pocket, removing her left glove and filing away at her nails… In short, trying to get Xemnas off her case!

"I didn't know you had an interest in science." Zexion remarked, not catching onto the metaphor. But, then again, no one else had, so…

"Oh. Yeah. I guess I do."

"Lovely." Luxord said in his wonderful British accent. He had previously been quietly sat shuffling his cards, and not even _he _had caught onto the metaphor! "Xigbar, if we're to buy that new coffee machine, we had better get going."

The truth is, once again, Demyx had broken the coffee machine that morning. And, without coffee, the 13th Order would be doomed. So, Xigbar and Luxord had agreed to go to buy a new one.

"Yes. And I should be starting on dinner." Xaldin said, since it takes quite a while to cook for 14 people even though it was, like, 2PM. Or some time like that. Whatever.

So, the three of them teleported off to their destinations. Quickly, Axel groaned again.

"Can I _please _go now!?"

"NO!" Boomed Xemnas again.

"I had better go now, though." Saïx said. "I shall let Demyx off the 'Naughty Step'."

The 'Naughty Step' was the step on the staircase in the part of the Castle That Never Was that I can't remember the name of… KH2FM+'s 5th New Scene took place there. You know, with Vexen running down the stairs like Cinderella, and Xigbar being all 'OOOH! Let's talk about Xemmy's SECRET!' and Zexion like 'HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA no.' You know the one, right? Anyway, that was where Demyx was often sent when he had done something wrong, even if it wasn't his fault. Everyone can blame Demyx, anyway. He's easy to push around.

And, so, Saïx also disappeared into a portal.

"I want to go, Superior!!" Axel moaned childishly and impatiently.

"…Oh, fine." Xemnas said, after not taking to long to think it over. "Everyone is dismissed. Just make sure Demyx, Marluxia and Lexaeus are informed of my departure tomorrow."

And so, everyone opened up their portals and left. For the sake of the fic depended on the multiple story lines!

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**CHAPTER ONE - Xigbar and Luxord's Quest For ANYTHING But A New Coffee Machine**

"So. Here we are in Hollow Bastion. The most likely world to sell coffee machines." Luxord said. "Shall we find a suitable store?"

"Naaah, y'know what, we should just stick to instant coffee! That way Demyx can't break anything!" Xigbar replied, as if only he were smart enough to come up with that idea.

"Alright." Luxord agreed, since that made sense. "So, why are we here?"

"We're going to spend the 1000 Munny I snagged from the treasury - SUPPOSEDLY for the new coffee machine - on IMPULSE BUYING!!!"

As Xigbar said 'Impulse Buying', a random flashy sign that read said words appeared behind him and flashed and played a short, catchy melody. Luxord gave him a blank look.

"…You're the boss. So what are we buying upon impulse?"

"I dunno - really useless stuff, like Blu-Tac, and socks, and--"

"We have lots of Blu-Tac in the castle." Luxord interjected. "And why also would we require anymore socks than we already have?"

"I DON'T KNOW, DUDE! IT'S _IMPULSE BUYING_!!!!" Xigbar said angrily. "Now, come on, we've gotta go find some random shit to waste our money on!"

As soon as they began walking off into the main town of Hollow Bastion… A MALEVOLENT CACKLE WAS HEARD IN THE BACKGROUND! GASP! But they couldn't hear it… No… For it was from the very top of the castle's highest tower in Hollow Bastion…

"MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!" Maleficent laughed evilly, watching our heroic impulse buying duo on their quest for anything and everything that wasn't a coffee machine from her hideout. "Little do those idiotic men from the Organization know that they will soon meet their doom!"

Pete was stood behind her (though, at a good distance). Slowly and dumbly, he scratched his head.

"Durr, but, Maleficent… How are ya gonna doom two members of Organization XIII? I mean, urrr, they're real strong!" He enquired.

"They may have power, but do they have the intelligence to match?" She questioned, turning to face him and swishing her cloak like she was Kefka or someone as she did so. "Come, I shall show you."

Meanwhile, Xigbar and Luxord had reached the walkway of shops in Hollow Bastion. Now, this isn't the one with the Weapons, Items and Accessory shops like Sora would go to in Hollow Bastion in the game. Nope. This is the HIDDEN walkway that Sora never found. But Xigbar and Luxord found it fine. Because, unlike Sora, they're in Organization XIII. And that makes them pretty damn bitchin'.

They walked past a pet shop. They ignored it. They walked past a flower shop (it was probably Aerith's). They ignored it. They walked past a lingerie shop. They went in, but only so they could mess about like the silly little immature boys that they are (even if they are both over the age of 35). Xigbar put a pair of pink lace panties on his head and called himself 'Cap'n Xiggy of the Friggin' Fruity Pirates'. Luxord put a white lace bra on his head and called himself 'Sir Luxord the Bra Head'. They then got kicked out.

They walked past an electronics and hardware store. They ignored it. Yeah, they really didn't want that coffee machine. They walked past a chocolate shop. They went in, but only to mess about. Again. Luxord distracted the assistant at the till, whilst Xigbar jumped behind the counter and stuck his face in the chocolate fountain. They then got kicked out.

They walked past a McDonalds, and went in, but only to get some paper serviettes for Xigbar to clean his chocolate covered face with. Because they're generally too cool for McDonalds. After that, they walked past a card shop. They went in, but only to buy a 'Get Well Soon' card for Xemnas. They also considered buying a card that said 'Happy 80th Birthday, Grandma. It's Better To Be Over The Hill Than Under It.' for Vexen. But the age joke wouldn't work for the two of them, unfortunately, since they were both older than him. Bummer.

They then left the card shop and walked past a Free Alcohol Shop.

"WHOA! FREE ALCOHOL!?" Xigbar said with a slight squee.

"Eh. I'd rather cut down on my alcoholic intake." Luxord said.

"Oh. Okay." Xigbar said.

They then walked on ahead.

"WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAT!?" Maleficent said, jumping out of the shop and screaming like the crazy woman she is. "THE PLAN… _FAILED_!!!!!!!?"

Pete tried to follow her, but was too fat and couldn't fit through the door. So he just stayed inside. "Well, I told ya they's smarter than they seem!"

Not noticing Maleficent at all, Luxord and Xigbar just continued on their very male and very stupid and very pointless shopping trip. They walked past a charity shop. They ignored it. They're just not charitable guys, are they? They walked past a newsagents. They went in, but only to buy candy. Or, as Luxord would obviously call them, sweets. Well, actually, Luxord went in to buy said items. Xigbar went in to annoy the cashier. He then got kicked out. So Luxord payed quickly and left.

"How come he didn't kick you out?" Xigbar asked, rather annoyed since he had been stood out in the cold for a ridiculous amount of time. The ridiculous amount of time being ridiculously _short, _but not itf you're Xigbar!

"Why do you think?" Luxord said, stuffing his bag of sugary goods into his pocket. "You were irritating him!"

"IRRITATING!?" Xigbar cried. "_AS IF_!"

They continued onwards. They walked past a weapons shop. They ignored it. Their own weapons are cool enough. Even if Luxord's weapons are cards, they're still cool. Cooler than Zexion's encycopedia, anyway. They walked past a jewellery shop. They went in, but only to mess around again. Since there was no cashier in sight (odd, especially in a jewellery shop. But then, there's probably, like, NO crime whatsoever in the Kingdom Hearts worlds since their Disney), they were able to mess around as much as they wanted. Xigbar found a pair of giant clip-on gold earrings and a matching necklace. He put them on an called himself 'Lady Xigbar'. Luxord put half the jewellery in the store on, as well as a tiara. To which he called himself 'Queen Luxord the 1st of England'. They were amused for a short while, before they realised they were actually… Kind of cross dressing. So they took the jewellery off, and quickly left and were on their way. They then walked past a stationary shop. They ignored it. They walked past a Sephora. They stopped to be hypocritical and laugh at the men in the store, before realising they were hypocritical after trying on all of that jewellery and walking on.

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Meanwhile, back at the Castle That Never Was, there was a lot of smoke coming from the kitchen. Xaldin had burnt dinner. But, it was alright. He knew who to blame, even if it was his OWN fault.

"…DeeeeeeeeeeeeemyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYYXXXXXXX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

And so, it was back to the Naughty Step for our poor little water mage…

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"Argh… Why can't we find a store to waste all our money in!?" Xigbar grumbled.

Luxord rolled his eyes. "I don't know. Maybe because we're being stupid and getting kicked out of a lot of shops we go in?"

They strolled along for a little bit longer, before Xigbar looked up at the final shop on the row.

"Whoa." He said, sounding remarkably like Neo. Guffaw!

It was a shop called 'Magic Box'. It had a simple sign that was black with white writing with said words on. And the windows were completely covered with purple velvet curtains. Nothing inside could be seen.

"Magic Box…" Xigbar repeated the title. "Isn't this where Xemnas got his book published and sold here?"

"…Xemnas wrote a book?" Luxord asked.

"Oh. Yeah… Uhh… He told Saïx about it, but I guess no one else. I just, well, kinda eavesdropped on the conversation."

Luxord looked up at the sign. "It's a bookshop?"

"I guess." Xigbar shrugged, before walking to the doorway. There was a single sign in the doorway that said 'Open'.

"Are you going in?"Asked Luxord, suspicious about the secretive nature of this shop.

"Yeah, I'm gonna go see what Xemnas's book is." He replied.

"Really? You really want to know."

"Yeah."

Xigbar slowly pushed on the handle, and opened the door very, very slightly. Cautiously, Luxord stoo behind him.

The first thing they saw in the ajar space was a beam of red light, and nothing else but darkness. Distinctly, 'Love Shack' by the B52's was playing inside.

The doorbell ringed as Xigbar pushed it further open.

"Is that a customer or has the fucking delivery boy finally fucking come with the new fucking DVDs yet!?" A very cute, unsuiting voice asked, before adding on the end, "KUPO!"

Xigbar poked his head around the door, and looked directly at the counter. There sat a female Moogle, dressed in tacky leather and wearing awful red lipstick and black eyeshadow. She had a weird looking black headpiece on her boingy ball thing. The room was dark, and was only illuminated by a small desk lamp and deep red filter light from the corner of the room. There was a radio on the counter, that 'Love Shack' was most certaintly coming from.

"Yo." He said, slipping inside and dragging Luxord with him. "Erm. We were just--"

"AAAH! Customers!!" The Moogle said happily, fluttering her tacky black leather covered wings and flying over to them. "We haven't had customers in a long time!!! Kupo!!!!"

"Oh. I wonder why." Luxord said dully and sarcastically.

"KUPO! Hey, so, who told you about the shop?" The Moogle asked.

"Errm, we kinda heard about it from our leader, sorta." Xigbar told her, before exchanging glances with Luxord, who shifted uneasily. "You sell a book by a guy called Xemnas, don't you? He's our boss."

"R-R-REALLY!!!!?" The Moogle said, even giddier now than she was before. "X-XEMNAS!!!!? H-HE'S YOUR BOSS!!!!?"

They nodded slowly.

"Oh WOW!!!!! WOW! WOW! WOW!!! His book is a **huge **bestseller here and in the Magic Box in Twilight Town, and in Traverse Town, and in Agrabah, and even in Wonderland!!! We SOOOOO want a sequel!!! Will you ask him? Please!!?"

"…Sure." Xigbar said. "Urrm, but we kinda wanna see his book, right? He hasn't let us see it yet, so, can we see it now?"

"Of course! Hang on a second!" The Moogle squeed, and then flew off to the right of the counter. In the dim light, there was a visible beaded doorway that she had gone through.

"Xigbar. This place is frightening." Luxord said, once the Moogle was out of earshot.

"Dude, how can you be scared? You don't have a heart!" Xigbar indicated. "Besides, you've been to Port Royal, and that place is a hell of a lot scarier than a darkened shop that houses a Moogle in tacky leather, dude!"

"No, practically plundering Johnny Depp's booty happened to be a rather enjoyable experience. This, however, is NOT."

"…Dude, watch the game credits! It wasn't even Jonny Depp!"

"Well, you know what I mean!"

As they continued to squabble, they failed to notice that the Moogle had returned with a small book.

"Urrm, I hope I'm not interrupting anything." She said, gaining their attention. JUST LIKE THAT. "But here, this is Xemnas's book."

She rested it on the counter, and they quickly walked over to see…

…A cover with an odd looking… Silver haired… Tanned… Abstract man on the front…

…To which their faces twisted into surprised expressions…

…But they twisted further, as they simultaneously read the book's title…

They chorused it aloud, "Xemna…Sutra!!!!!!?"

"XemnaSutra. Kupo." The Moogle replied, with a cute smile.

"HOLY MOTHER OF SWEET CHILLI SAUCE!!!!" Xigbar yelled, backing across the room. "You're saying XEMNAS - _X.E.M.N.A.S - _WROTE A BOOK ON………..!!!!!"

Then, both Luxord and Xigbar became very, _very _OOC, and ran right out of the shop, screaming their never-meant-to-exist heads off.

"You were right, that place IS scary. Is it a book shop, is it a sex shop? We will NEVER know." Xigbar said, once they had calmed down.

Luxord took some kind of sugary good out of his pocket and ate it.

"Yes. I most definitely do not want to know, either."

So, off on their merry way they went, until they bumped into Maleficent and Pete! GASP! NOOO! Pete, by the way, was covered in grease and smelt of McDonalds, for Maleficent had to go their to get grease to butter him up with so that he could fit through the doorway.

"Hey. It's that crazy witch lady and the fat greasy dog guy." Xigbar said. "Dude, you need to get something for that grease!"

"Oh… Okay." Pete said, with a blank look. Like a cow. Then, Pete MIGHT ACTUALLY be an anthropomorphic cow… I always thought he was an anthropomorphic dog, but, come to think of it… Actually, I'm not sure… JUST WHAT KIND OF CREATURE _IS _THAT CRAZY PETE.

"MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!" Maleficent cackled. "NOW, FOOLISH MEMBERS OF ORGANIZATION XIII - YOU WILL MEET YOUR DOOM!!!!!!!"

"No we won't." Luxord and Xigbar said simultaneously, after exchanging glances with each other.

"OH YES YOU WILL - YOU'LL…"

Maleficent then paused to look at the empty space in front of her.

"AH, CRAP! THEY TELEPORTED AWAY!!!" Because THAT is how efficient teleportation is for Organization members!

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"Hello, Xigbar, Luxord…" Saïx said in his usual monotonal voice when he saw them reappear in the castle. "What did you buy?"

"Uh, I'll tell you what we DIDN'T buy - and that's a coffee machine!" Xigbar said, whilst trying to think of an excuse as to why. "See, Maleficent and her big greasy dog dude came and they tried to fight us!!"

And, as Xigbar began rambling (RAMBLING! As if…), that, my friends, is where we…

**BASS IT!**

For those who don't know… 'Bass It' indicates the end of a chapter.

Sorry this wasn't really that funny… Chapter 2 will be funnier, I promise!

Until then, have a good Christmas!

Arcy out! xxxxxx

P.S. Disclaimer: I don't own Sir Luxord the Bra Head or Cap'n Xiggy of the Friggin Fruity Pirates. If you're a devianTART, you'll surely know what I mean.

P.P.S. Medomalacuphobia Fear of losing an erection.


	2. The Chapter Formally Known As Two

**XEMNAS****'****S THERAPEUTIC VACATION**

**And Other Related Stories Involving The Cast Of KH On Crack.**

_**Or, Alternatively Titled: **__**'**__**Something Really, Really, Really Stupid Came Into ArcBus**__**'**__**s Head And Once Again She Found Herself Writing For The Sake Of RANDOM IMPULSIVE Purposes, Whilst On The Way To Kingdom Hearts**__**'**_

_Written by: ArcBus_

_For: TinoaGaruna_

_Note: A lot of the story will be inside jokes between myself and TinoaGaruna, so I personally don__'__t care if you __'__don__'__t get it__'__, because, well, all respective reviewers, it__'__s not actually meant for you. It__'__s meant for her. Okay? So I won__'__t accept flames for it. It__'__s just for her. __**GOTTIT!?**_

_Chapter Note: Ah, the joy of multiple storylines. This means that this chapter will focus on Sora, Riku and Kairi, whilst the next will be the Twilight Town kids, then there will be Org. XIII again, and then chapter 5 back to Sora, Kairi and Riku, and so on and so forth. Also, Xemnas will have his own separate storyline added in eventually._

_Anyway, on with the fic. God, the formatting in this story when ff-net converts it is TERRIBLE._

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**CHAPTER TWO - THE CHAPTER FORMALLY KNOWN AS TWO**

**(Or, 'GOD, THIS AUTHOR IS CREATIVE, WITH IMPLIED SARCASM')**

"Nothing's changed…" Riku said, sitting on the paopu tree that he, Sora and Kairi would usually gather on.

The three of them had recently come back to Destiny Islands after defeating _every single _Heartless in existence. Which meant no more could be created, and no more could plague the worlds. Plus, Organization XIII would be able to get their hearts, without destroying the worlds. Which Sora felt was a good thing, and so put an extra gold star on his 'Good Deed' chart, which was FULL of stars since Sora is a really, REALLY good guy. Kairi has one too, and she has one that's nearly full. Not quite as full as Sora's, but still pretty good! She also got an extra gold star. Riku also has one, however, it happens to be empty. Since he turned to the Darkness, he had to lose the small number of gold stars he had on it anyway. And he never got them back. Not even an extra one for annihilating all the Heartless. Poor guy…

"Nope. Nothing will." Sora said.

"…What a small world." Said Riku, looking out to the clear ocean's sunset horizon.

"But, part of one that's much bigger!" Sora continued his sentence, referring to all the other worlds out there. Actually, it was more like a GALAXY than a world. No, not the chocolate. The space type of galaxy.

"Yeah." Riku agreed, but was secretly thinking, _'Technically, no, but he's making a good point. Now, I wonder if the--'_

And, before Riku could think any further, Sora cut his trail of thoughts off. "Hey, Riku, what do you think it was? The door to the light?"

Riku pondered that question. He thought it might have been a Nobody or a Heartless or a big boss like every video game cliché. He thought it might have been a banana. Or a banana-shaped Nobody or Heartless or big boss. He thought it might have just been a door. But Riku decided to answer in a cheesy RPG reply.

He jumped off of the tree, and laughed slightly, before tapping Sora in the middle of his chest.

"_This._" He replied.

"…What do you mean, Riku?" Sora asked, curiously clutching back at Riku's hand before he could retract it.

"What I mean is… It's always closer…" Riku answered gently, moving slowly in towards Sora to lean down and whisper his warm breath against his lips. "…Than you think…"

And to that, Riku steadily, yet softly pressed his mouth against Sora's… … …

… …Until he squinted and pulled away with a groan, wiping his mouth.

Sora laughed victoriously.

"YES! HAHAHAHA! I am the KING of Gay Chicken!!!!" He said, his hands on his hips.

"Oh, fine… Go add another star to your faggot chart…" Riku mumbled, to which Sora just laughed again, until a voice was heard in the distance, calling their names.

"SORA! RIKU!" It yelled, before the sound of footsteps crunching against soft sand was also audible.

The two boys looked over to see Kairi running towards them with as much speed as she could muster. She came and stood in front of them, something clutched in her hands.

"Hey, what's up?" Sora asked, as she panted for her breath.

"Look!" Kairi finally said, handing Sora a bottle with a small scroll of paper inside. The paper had a distinct mark on it. It looked like three very cleverly arranged splodges, which it would appear as to anyone who has been living under a rock their entire life. However, any Disney fan or associate or anyone who HASN'T been living under a rock their entire life would recognize it as the Disney symbol for Mickey Mouse.

"From the King!?" Sora exclaimed, since Sora is one of the aforementioned and could tell. Also, in this eccentric universe, Mickey Mouse is a king. But not of Gay Chicken. Sora has claimed that title himself. Guffaw!

He quickly took the bottle, and slid out the paper and opened it up. As perky, adventurous background music began to swell, Riku and Kairi moved in to look at the paper, too.

_Dear Sora, Riku and Kairi. _Mickey Mouse's irritating voiceover read in the background. _There's been a terrible outbreak of more creatures - that are neither Heartless nor Nobodies - that are creating disturbance in the worlds outside of our main galaxy. You must come to the Disney Castle as soon as possible! Only the Keybearers can save them from spreading to us!_

"Sora, we have to go!!" Riku said.

"B-But…!" Kairi yelped. "How will we get to the Disney Castle without a Gummi Ship!?"

"Hmmm…" Sora thought thoughtfully for a thoughtful while. About ten minutes, to be precise. Riku and Kairi just stood there… Like lemons… Or better yet, Paopu fruits! I mean, lemons are inactive, but so are Paopu fruits, even if they are kind of magic…

Eventually, Kairi thought of an idea instead.

"Wait! I've got a plan!" She said perkily.

And then there was a scene transition, which was just basically a 60's Batman transition, except with the outline of a Paopu fruit instead of the Batman logo.

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…So, before they knew it, Sora, Riku and Kairi were gliding through the empty (yes, empty, since all the Heartless and Nobodies had disappeared from them) Gummi Ship pathways towards the Disney Castle… On no other than Nathan Petrelli.

"Yay! Thank you for flying us to the Disney Castle, Daddy!" Kairi said happily.

Nathan just rolled his eyes. Hooray for inside jokes!

So, then, because Nathan Petrelli is fast and efficient and would make a great President were Scylar not around, they got to the Disney Castle, and landed in the garden, JUST LIKE THAT!

"Thanks!" Sora said, paying him enough Munny to be changed into about a 1000 dollars when Nathan could get to an exchange bureau.

Riku and Kairi also said thanks, and then Nathan just FLEW OFF with his Munny, just like that!

"BYE DADDY!" Kairi yelled, waving to him as he disappeared into the sky.

"SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSORA!!!!!" Called a familiar… Quack.

And WHO came running up to them but… Donald Duck, of course!

"SORA!!" Donald yelled at the top of his lungs. "YA GOTTA COME QUICK!!! THE KING NEEDS TO SPEAK TO YOU!!!!"

"I know! I know!!" Sora said, in an attempt to calm Donald down. "We're coming!!!"

The author of this story - dear ArcBus - would now like to point out that ever since she started reading lemon fan fiction pieces, she can no longer take the phrases 'I'm coming' or 'We're coming' or '(insert other pronoun here) coming' seriously, for it makes her think of dirty things. Because she is a pervert. Guffaw!

So, they were summoned to the throne room. Since Mickey and Minnie Mouse are the King and Queen in Kingdom Hearts, they were sat on their thrones like they were the King and Queen of the world… Even if they are… Whatever!

"Sora!" Mickey yelled. "I'm glad you're finally here! We must discuss the problem at hand!"

"What is it, your Majesty!?" Sora asked quickly.

"In the worlds outside of this galaxy, there are creatures of darkness forming. No longer are the Heartless you vanquished a problem, but these are far worse!" Mickey replied.

"Great…" Riku groaned. "The only thing worse than Heartless that I can think of is fan girls!"

Mickey nodded. "Right you are, Riku. These creatures are, indeed, rabid fan girls, specifically fan girls that have bonded themselves to darkness… … The dreaded… Mary-Sues."

As Mickey said those two horrible words, the air went cold and dark, and the windows and doors of the room racketed in their frames. Minnie let out a short squeal. Mickey jumped out of his seat after everything went back to normal.

"My sources have a great amount of detail on them." He said. "Quick, follow me!"

And so, everyone followed Mickey to his ÜBER SPECIAL SECRET LAYER! Hooray!

"The sources known as Ketchup and Mayonnaise have informed me that Maleficent is behind all this." He explained.

"Ketchup and Mayonnaise?" Sora asked quizzically.

"This is the Disney Castle!" Minnie replied in her very annoying voice. "Inanimate objects spring to life and become our bitches!"

She then pointed to the mops and brooms in the corner of the room, that were carrying buckets of water around and cleaning the floor all by themselves. Sora then spotted a bottle of ketchup and a jar of mayonnaise working on elaborate computer system. They both seemed very keen on their work.

"Sora… SORA!!!!" Mickey yelled.

"Hey, Sora, snap out of it!" Riku said, smacking Sora over the head.

Sora immediately broke from his trail of thoughts after he was hit. "Oh, sorry, we were talking about the Ketchup and Mayonnaise?"

"That was five minutes ago!" Mickey groaned. "Now, listen, ever since all the Heartless were taken care of, and Organization XIII were assured Kingdom Hearts, Maleficent planned to use these Sues to overthrow the Organization and take their castle!"

"Let me get this straight, you want us to help the Organization _again_!?" Riku asked. "We just got rid of EVERY SINGLE HEARTLESS IN EXISTANCE so they could have their Goddamn hearts, and now you want us to save their black-clad asses from Maleficent, too!?"

"Ahh, I understand, Riku…" Mickey replied. "But only the light of the Keyblades can purify the darkness inside the Sues! And, in all honesty, what do you think would happen were the Sues to find their way to the Organization! Think of the mess it would create!"

"Yeah, you're right!" Sora said in a very courageous way, turning to his friends. "C'mon guys, we've gotta help the Organization! They'd do the same for us!"

"Would they Sora?" Riku and Kairi both asked simultaneously in a very dull, sarcastic manner. "Would they _really_?"

"Ketchup believes that the Sues have their own world used as their base." Mickey continued to explain. "However, since The World That Never Was can only be accessed through rifts of darkness, the Organization are currently safe in their own world… For now. The Sues will wait until a member has gone to a different world. A Sue will be dispatched to that world, and that member will… Errm…"

"We've gotta do something, quickly!" Sora said loudly.

"Yeah, or exterminating all of the Heartless would have been pointless!" Riku added.

"It levelled us up!" Kairi tried to argue.

"…True." Riku said. "But STILL!"

"Warriors of the Keyblade!" Minnie squeaked in a very cheesy RPG manner. "Donald and Goofy have agreed to guard the only open rift to The World That Never Was - the one in Twilight Town. There will be no way for the Sues to get inside!"

"YES MA'AM!" Sora cried, saluting.

"Now, you must hurry!" She continued.

"YES MA'AM!" Kairi also cried, also saluting.

"GO!!!"

"YES MA--" Riku began, before he suddenly yelped in shock upon feeling an odd bump against his shin…

…And another… And another… And another… And another… And another…

He looked down a his leg, and there… Was Pluto.

"PLUTO!!!!!" Mickey roared. "STOP HUMPING RIKU'S LEG!!!!!!!"

And so, after Pluto was removed from Riku's leg with the aid of a newspaper and a crowbar, Mickey showed the Keybladers to the Gummi ship hangar.

"Now, kids, you all know--" Mickey began, before he heard an almighty 'WHOOSH!!', and off zoomed the Invincible Version 7.3, with Sora at the navigations, Riku at the weapons and Kairi at the shields. Straight out of the hangar.

Mickey paused and blinked, before groaning in response. "Aw, shucks. Those kids just grew out of listening to important story line information too quickly!"

Meanwhile, Sora was driving the Invincible throughout the galaxy. Singing to the radio that was on, and bopping along like a… Bopping chocobo.

"_I LIKE BIG BUTTS AND I CANNOT LIE - YOU OTHER BROTHERS CAN'T DENY, WHEN A GIRL WALKS IN WITH AN ITTY-BITTY WAIST AND A ROUND THING IN YOUR FACE YOU GET--"_

Kairi and Riku exchanged dull glances. They could tell that this was going to be a loooong journey for the Keybearers.

Not that all their other journeys hadn't been long, tiring and time consuming… Oh well.

**BASS IT!**

When I said Chapter 2 would be funnier I meant Chapter 3 would be funnier and Chapter 2 would be TERRIBLE. My apologies. I hope you found at least a little bit of it funny… I hope.

Until next time, in which the Twilight Town kids will be off on their little… Random adventures, as usual! Lolz!

P.S. Unless your knowledge of the show 'Heroes' is rich, you probably won't get the part with Nathan Petrelli.

P.P.S. Yes, Maleficent is using the evil Sues to be evil and destroy the Organization so that she can have their castle. Lol.

P.P.P.S. We think Pluto might need to be put down soon. How sad.


	3. Of Cheatcodes and Mako Reactors

**XEMNAS****'****S THERAPEUTIC VACATION**

**And Other Related Stories Involving The Cast Of KH On Crack.**

_**Or, Alternatively Titled: **__**'**__**Something Really, Really, Really Stupid Came Into ArcBus**__**'**__**s Head And Once Again She Found Herself Writing For The Sake Of RANDOM IMPULSIVE Purposes, Whilst On The Way To Kingdom Hearts**__**'**__**.**_

_Written by: ArcBus_

_For: TinoaGaruna_

_Note: A lot of the story will be inside jokes between myself and TinoaGaruna, so I personally don__'__t care if you __'__don__'__t get it__'__, because, well, all respective reviewers, it__'__s not actually meant for you. It__'__s meant for her. Okay? So I won__'__t accept flames for it. It__'__s just for her. __**GOTTIT!?**_

_Chapter Note: Back onto the Organization, but Twilight Town has a short part in this, too. It's the joy of multiple, yet related, story lines!_

_Anyhoo…_

--

**CHAPTER THREE - Of Cheatcodes and Mako Reactors**

So, that evening in the Castle That Never Was, if it could be called evening since the world is in constant darkness, Xemnas was going to bed for what would be the last time in the castle for a while. He brushed his teeth with his special milkshake flavoured toothpaste, and then climbed into his vast bed. And, in case you're wondering, when he's at home, Xemnas sleeps naked. Why, you ask? Well, if Xemnas were to be naked, no one would really want to burst in on him, either for a good reason or no apparent reason whatsoever, in the middle of the night, would they? It's just common sense!

"Goodnight!" Xemnas yelled at the top of his voice.

"Night, dudes!" Xigbar called back, since the walls happened to be rather thin.

"Goodnight." Xaldin called out.

"Goodnight." Vexen also called out, but in a slightly higher pitch than Xaldin.

"Goodnight." Called Lexaeus, but in a lower pitch than both Xaldin and Vexen.

"Night." Zexion said loudly, breaking the short chain.

"Everyone will **die**." Saïx interjected in a very menacing monotone. If that's even possible.

"Night!" Axel and Demyx yelled at the same time, to _save _time.

"Goodnight." Luxord called, trying to start up the chain again.

"Goodnight." Marluxia called, trying to continue the chain, but failing.

"Nighty-night, you **shams**!!" Larxene said aloud.

"Night." Roxas said.

And then, there was a long silence. A long, long silence…

Until, Xemnas spoke up again.

"Naminé, just because you're not in the Order, doesn't mean you can't add to our chain of 'goodnight' messages…" He said.

"Oh. Okay." Naminé replied. "Night, everyone."

And so, all the Nobodies went to sleep.

--

In the morning, Xemnas bid everyone farewell, put on his little pink helmet, jumped onto his Barbie bicycle and rode off on it, straight into a portal. Since it wasn't JUST a therapeutic vacation. It was also a cycling vacation. Wonderful.

As soon as he had left, Saïx grinned a sly grin. _Finally, _he was Superior! If only for a while.

So, Saïx walked along the pathway of Nothing's Call, when suddenly, Axel jumped out of nowhere and surprised him.

"Axel." Saïx said blankly, sounding, on the contrary, very unsurprised. "You surprised me."

"Uh, hey, Saïx." Axel said quickly. "Erm, have you seen Roxas anywhere?"

"No." Saïx replied. And then he disappeared quickly into a portal of darkness, before Axel could irritate him anymore.

He ended up in the kitchen, where Xaldin was cooking dinner. He always cooks dinner in the morning, since it takes so long to cook for fourteen. Actually, now with Xemnas gone, it was thirteen again, but, whatever.

"Hello, Xaldin." Saïx said.

"Hello, Saïx." Xaldin said.

But that was all they said, before Saïx just went to the deep freezer, got out a sea salt ice cream, and then disappeared into another portal.

"Uh, hey, Saïx." Axel said, JUST as Saïx had stepped out of the portal, which surprised him, of course. "Erm, have you seen _Larxene_ anywhere?"

Saïx paused. He didn't want to be irritated by Axel, but he knew where Larxene was, so he had to answer, of course.

"She's with Vexen, as usual. She went to see his test tube." He told him.

"Oh. Okay. See ya." Axel said, and teleported away quickly.

Saïx, after still not catching onto the metaphor, walked along the castle's corridors and hallways, just eating the sea salt ice cream. Yes, life was particularly boring for the Nobodies, Saïx especially at that time, but, oh well. At least the ice cream was time consuming.

After eating the ice cream, Saïx just threw the stick off to wherever, because he's Saïx and he doesn't care about the environment of the castle, even if it _was _entrusted to him by the Superior. Then, he teleported off to the library. How exiting!

"Hello, Zexion." Saïx said, upon entering the library, to Zexion, who was sat reading a hefty book of… Something Zexion would read.

"Hello, Saïx." Zexion replied.

And, then, there was a thrilling conversation that took place between the two of them. But, it's not like we'll ever hear what they have to say. Nope. Never.

--

Meanwhile, Donald and Goofy were in Twilight Town, guarding the portal to the World That Never Was from Maleficent, like the GOOD GUYS that they pure and simply ARE.

So, they were in the basement of the old mansion, when…

"I'm bored." Goofy said, after five minutes of guarding the portal.

"Me too." Donald quacked in agreement.

So, the two of them decided to, irresponsibly, _leave _the portal, and go into the town.

When they got into town, because I don't like to give all the pointless details after the turning point which was them leaving the portal UNATTENDED, they went off to find something else to do. I don't know what, they probably went to do some side-quests or mini-games, like the mail delivery, or getting rid of the bees, or something like that, but, at any rate, they disregarded their orders and left the portal to the World That Never Was… UNATTENDED!!

--

Well, anyway, after his brilliant conversation with Zexion, which we will never hear because… Well… We just won't, Saïx ordered a meeting in the White Room, otherwise known as 'Where Nothing Gathers', seeing as how Square actually named the room, and it can only be accessed by anyone NOT in the Organization with a cheat code. What that cheat code is, I do not know myself. But I wish I did.

So, about half of them came to the room, and sat on their seats.

Saïx adjusted his seat so it was higher than everyone else's, since, of course, he was the acting Superior, and then he scanned the room.

"…Where, dare I ask, is everyone else?" He asked.

"Xaldin's cooking, seriously." Xigbar said. "He didn't want the stuff to burn, so…"

"Axel and Marluxia are trying to fix the X-Box." Roxas added. "And just… _Try _to guess where Larxene and Vexen are."

"Larxene is not here?" Saïx asked. "Actually, this is efficient. As you know, it is her birthday in four days, and, well, I don't think anyone has actually… Gotten her… ANYTHING, yet, right?" 

Everyone else nodded in affirmation.

"Well, uh, Luxord and I were gonna go buy something, weren't we?" Xigbar said, giving Luxord a hefty wink, which probably meant that he wanted to go on a MANLY shopping trip. Again.

Luxord just rolled his eyes slightly in response.

"This could be a challenge." Zexion said. "Larxene proves difficult to buy for."

"Well, what do girls like?" Asked Demyx.

"Make up?" Roxas said.

"Well, that wouldn't be…" Zexion tried to say, but was interrupted.

"Dresses?" Luxord suggested.

"But, it's…" He was interrupted again.

"Ribbons?" Said Xigbar.

"Shopping?" Saïx added.

"Munny?" Lexaeus said.

"Guys, this IS Lar--"

"Bras?" Demyx asked, scratching the side of his head.

"And panties?" Added Xigbar to the previous idea.

"Chocolate?" Luxord said.

"Shoes?" Suggested Roxas.

Zexion sighed, and shook his head. Meanwhile, Saïx took out a pen and notepad out of… Well, nowhere, and began writing.

"Good, okay, I'm going around everyone, and you all have to have at least one thing for Larxene." He said, then pointing over to Demyx on his left. "Demyx. Shoot."

"Well…" Demyx said, thinking it over for a moment. "I think I'll write Larxene a song!"

"Beautiful." Saïx said promptly. "Roxas?"

"Ermm…" Roxas looked confused. "Well, I…"

"Hey, come with us!" Xigbar said. "Luxord and I are going to find her something."

He then winked heavily at Luxord again.

"AREN'T we?"

Luxord nodded briefly, mentally adding, _'I WISH he'd stop doing that'._

"Okay…" Saïx said, scribbling all this down on his notepad. "How about you, Zexion?"

"Chocolates and tampons." Zexion said sarcastically. "Then maybe she'll stop being such a bitch."

Luxord furrowed his eyebrows. "Hey, chocolate was _my _idea!"

"Then go buy some!" Zexion said, almost defensively.

"And, Lexaeus?" Saïx asked, still noting this all down.

"Munny. It is always the safest option." Lexaeus replied, because he's smart like that.

"Right. Okay. That's one thing out of the way." Saïx said, looking back at Roxas. "Now, what's this about the X-Box?"

"It's broken." Roxas said. "But, Axel and Marluxia are trying to fix it." 

"And, they know what they're doing?" Saïx said…

…Before there was a horrible electrical buzz that rang throughout the castle, causing everyone in the room to wince, followed straight away by an up roaring, and most noticeably… 'Girly'… "YYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWCHHHH!!"

Roxas nodded at Saïx.

"Yeah. They're fine."

"Erm, okay, so…" Saïx said, moving along, flipping over onto a full page on his _amazing _notebook. "I have the chores list here, and it appears that Xigbar, you have dishwashing duty today."

Xigbar scowled. "I thought we had a dishwasher!!"

"Yes. And a large one, too. Empty it. Fill it. Start it. Repeat." Saïx instructed. "Now, go!"

Xigbar mumbled something random, and then ported himself away.

"Lexaeus. Free. Zexion. Free. Myself. Free. Demyx, you're assisting Xaldin today." Continued Saïx.

"Okie-chokie!" Demyx said, and also disappeared.

"Luxord. Free. Roxas, you have the laundry to do today."

Silently, Roxas slipped off into a portal.

"Okay. Now, let's all go do whatever 'Free' entitles us to." Saïx said to the remaining members, and they all went off in their dark portals to wherever it was they wanted to go.

--

Saïx, himself, went to go find the members of the Organization that weren't present, so that he could record what they were getting for Larxene's birthday.

"Hello, Xaldin." He said, upon entering the kitchen.

"Greetings again, Saïx." Xaldin responded.

"I sent Demyx to help you." Saïx said, noticing the absence of the Nocturne.

"Yes. And I sent him to the Naughty Step." Xaldin said.

"Oh. Okay. I was just wondering what you were going to get Larxene for her birthday."

"I'm going to make the cake."

"…Alright."

Saïx scribbled this down on his magical notebook, and then bid a farewell to Xaldin.

(Wow, they have very boring conversations.)

Next, Saïx went to the basement of the castle, where the laboratory and library were. Of course, since Saïx was visiting the others in order of number, as that made sense because then he wouldn't forget anyone, not like he'd do something that stupid _anyway_, he went to the former.

"Vexen. Open up." He said, rapping aloud on the heavy iron door of the lab.

The door opened slowly, and Vexen looked around it.

"What!?" He snarled.

"Is Larxene still with you?" Enquired Saïx, which is almost a rhyme!

"I'm not with Larxene!!" Vexen snapped defensively. "W-W-W-W-When was I _EVER _with her!!"

Saïx blinked. "Erm, she was… Seeing your 'test tube', right?"

"Oh. Yes. She's gone."

"So, I was just wondering…"

Saïx whipped out his notebook of awesome-ness again.

"…What are you getting Larxene for her birthday?" 

Vexen shifted uneasily. "Erm, I have something already."

"Really? …Is it a test tube?"

"…Sure."

"Okay. That's all." Saïx said, shutting his notebook.

"Fine." Vexen said, shutting the door.

Saïx shrugged, still not catching on to what he was supposed to.

He then went to find Axel and Marluxia, who were fixing the X-Box in the room that was fashioned to be a sort of games room, but sadly, they were failing at their action.

"Hello." Saïx said.

"Hey." Both of them replied briefly.

Axel continually thrashed at the top of the X-Box with his palm.

"It's no use, Marly." He said. "We're just gonna have to buy another X-Box, which shouldn't be a problem with the amount of Munny we have."

"You're sure we don't have a warranty on it?" Asked Marluxia.

"Pardon me for interrupting, but, I was wondering first of all if you were okay after that unfortunate shock?" Saïx asked.

"Yeah, fine." Replied Axel. "Don't bother, Larxene shocks us ALL the time like that."

"Oh, so it wasn't the X-Box?"

"No, we're not _quite _stupid enough to get shocked by this thing."

Axel slammed his hand down on the X-Box once more. Again, nothing happened.

"Nope. Time to ditch it." He said.

"When you go to purchase a new one, would it be possible for you to also purchase your gifts for Larxene's birthday?" Saïx asked. "I was wondering what you were buying her." 

"Buying?" Marluxia enquired. "We're not purchasing our gifts."

"…Really?"

"Nope." Axel added. "Birthday hugs. They never fail."

Saïx looked at the two of them quizzically, but then took out his legendary notebook and jotted their presents down.

"Alright. Goodbye." He said quickly, walking out.

"Bye." The other two said.

As soon as he had left, they exchanged glances.

"So, Marly, since we are good friends in this story, which may leave a plot hole, but who really cares, and Roxas is busy on laundry duty, what do you wanna do?" Axel asked.

"I don't know. We could always go to find those homophobes and pretend we're a couple again, before they launch an attack on us and we proceed to beat the living shit out of them." Marluxia said.

"Sounds fun. Let's go."

So, they proceeded to do just that.

Meanwhile, Saïx had finished his list, so he went to check on Naminé, who was drawing Roxas as part of the structure of Sora, and what have you, as usual.

"Hello, Naminé." Saïx said.

"Hello, Sir." Naminé politely said. "I was just drawing Roxas doing the laundry. Is there something you want?"

"No. I was just checking in." Saïx said.

"Oh. Okay."

Naminé continued with her drawing, giggling slightly as she did so.

"Is there something amusing about your drawing?" Saïx asked.

She nodded, holding it up. "Look, Roxas found his name on Axel's underwear!"

Saïx said nothing for a while, before stuttering, "Oh, erm, t-that's great. I have to go now. Bye."

"Bye!" Naminé smiled, continuing with her work.

He then left swiftly through a portal. Again…

…Repetitive, I know.

--

"Oh, oh, look, look at us in our gay-ness!" Marluxia said, cuddling Axel in a very inappropriate way.

"Yeah! I'm… I'm a HOMO!" Axel said, cuddling Marluxia back.

They were in Twilight Town, where all of this chapter _should _be but clearly isn't. And they had just aroused the suspicion of the 'homophobes'…

"FAGGOTS." Fuu said creepily, pointing to them.

"That's real sick, y'know!?" Rai added.

"WE'RE HERE. WE'RE QUEER. GET USED TO IT." Axel and Marluxia chanted to them.

Seifer sighed, and shook his head. "We just killed Hayner, do we have to kill you too?"

"**FOOLS!" **A terrifying voice suddenly boomed, as the sky went dark and the air went bitterly cold.** "YOU WILL NEVER DESTROY THE ULTIMATE BEING OF POWER!"**

Everyone looked around slowly.

"Erm, what 'ultimate being of power'?" Seifer asked.

The voice replied, **"I SPEAK OF THE ONE YOU THOUGHT YOU DESTROYED! THE ULTIMATE… HAAAAAAYNER THE LEEESBIAN!"**

"Hahahahaha!" Axel laughed aloud. "Hayner is a lesbian! Hahahahah!"

"Yeah, so, anyway…" Seifer said, rolling his eyes. "I'm gonna have to ask you guys to leave Twilight Town before this whole situation gets even more out of hand than it already is…"

"What situation, exactly?" Marluxia enquired, cocking his eyebrow slightly.

Nervously, Seifer scratched the back of his neck. "Well, I guess since Hayner's probably gonna reincarnate into some hugely powerful lesbian being, we should either prepare and try to defeat him again, or press the two shoulder buttons and run away like little girls…"

"As long as we don't run and hide in Hayner the Lesbian's Mako Reactor, y'know!?" Rai said, pointing towards said Mako Reactor.

"No. That would be completely idiotic of us." Seifer said blankly.

"NEXT TIME." Fuu declared.

"Yep, we're outta here, y'know!?" Added Rai.

And then, the three of them ran off. Just like that. And where did they go? Well, if they've any sense, hopefully not Hayner the Lesbian's Mako Reactor. Or, the Usual Spot. Or, you know, basically anywhere else Hayner would find them…

Axel and Marluxia slowly exchanged glances before they decided to go back to the Castle That Never Was. It was getting pretty dark in Twilight Town, anyway…

Meanwhile, Donald and Goofy were sat BACK in the computer room in the old mansion, after the guy who gives out jobs refused them for Mail Delivery. Seriously, have YOU ever seen a humanoid duck or dog on a skateboard? So, they were once again guarding the passage into the alternate Twilight Town that would lead to the passage to The World That Never Was.

"Well!" Donald quacked happily. "At least this is a job where we've just gotta sit on our butts and do nothing all day!"

"Yurp, that's right, a-hyuck!" Goofy agreed.

To pass the time, Donald and Goofy just played word games. Word games they could luckily never get bored of. But, since we know they're guarding the entrance to the World That Never Was - for now - they're not important at this very instance.

At this very instance, what IS important is what was happening to Twilight Town whilst they were sat in the mansion, happy as clams! Well! Hayner the Lesbian had RETTTUUUURRRNNNEEDDD! However, he hadn't reincarnated into anything supremely overlord-ish or ultimate being-like. Not like Jafar on the second visit to Agrabah, or the Huge Heartless from the second visit to the Pride Lands. Not even a regular boss fight like. Nope. He was just Hayner. The Lesbian. As he appeared, the darkness around Twilight Town began to fade. Consequently, he just sat around in the Usual Spot like nothing had actually ever happened.

"You know?" Hayner said to Pence and Olette, whom were wandering about in the Usual Spot, about five minutes after his return. "I was thinking, whilst I was, you know, in the small space of time between life and death?"

"What about?" Pence asked, as if talking about what someone was thinking about when they were technically dead was just an everyday thing.

"Well, I was thinking, what if I hire out my Mako Reactor to people? You know, for meetings, and parties and stuff?" He replied.

"Wow, Hayner, that's a really brilliant idea!" Olette said. "Since, you know, the reactor isn't actually producing any Mako since this isn't the right _world _and all…"

"Yeah!" Hayner said, jumping around and punching his fists into the air randomly. "This'll make us rich, rich beyond our wildest dreams!"

"And then maybe we can afford to go to the beach this year!" Said Olette cheerfully.

"And buy sea-salt ice cream, and pretzels, and watermelon, and cakes, and pie, and--" Pence drooled, before Hayner cut him off angrily.

"SHUT UP, FATSO! The first thing we're buying is YOU a DIET PLAN!" He snapped.

Pence looked down to the ground sadly, and sniffled.

"Remember what Mommy told you…" He said gloomily to himself. "'Big boys don't cry, and always remember to look both ways before you cross the street, because if you don't, the oncoming vehicles will bounce spontaneously off your fat stomach and devastatingly crash into a nearby wall, killing all passengers and possibly any nearby pedestrians in a horrible screaming storm of pain and bloodshed…' (sniff)…"

"There, there…" Olette said, patting him on the back.

"Okay, the first thing we buy is some psychiatric sessions for Pence." Hayner said. "THEN we buy him a diet plan… Anyway, if we wanna kick this lucrative business into gear, we should start spreading the word about the hire!"

"Erm, Hayner, first, I think we need to check the maintenance of the reactor." Olette said, trying to think level-headedly. "I mean, it could be dangerous, since…"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, details! Who needs 'em!?" Hayner dismissed.

"I think we should!" Olette pressed. "I mean, it's a reactor… Who would want to have a party or a meeting there? We need to revamp!"

"I think she's right, Hayner…" Pence said.

"FINE, THEN LET'S FIND SOME GODDAMN MUNNY TO REVAMP IT WITH!!" Hayner yelled, his arms flailing about in the air like those wacky inflatable things. Yep. Just like those.

"Ooooh! Sure! We'll just go do the Mail Delivery task hundreds upon hundreds of times!" Olette said. "That'll get us enough Munny, right?"

"RIGHT!" The guys agreed, and so they went off to do just that.

--

Back at the Castle That Never Was, Zexion was examining Twilight Town through a massive telescope.

"That's odd…" He said, to Lexaeus, whom was stood next to him since they are pretty much a non-yaoi-couple version of Axel and Roxas. At least, in this story, they are.

"What's wrong?" Lexaeus asked.

"The sky over Twilight Town was grey and cloudy just a second ago… Now it's back to normal… But Twilight Town is never grey and cloudy…"

"Is it anything we should worry about?" Lexaeus furtherly enquired.

"Probably not." Zexion replied, beginning to take the telescope apart.

"Yes. If it was something to worry about, we'd have another troublesome sub-plot, and I think we've got quite enough for now…" Lexaeus said.

"Indeed." Zexion agreed.

So, Lex and Zex went off to do their stuff, like reading, and studying, and researching, and reading some more. And, whatever else those awesome but frankly quite boring guys do in their spare time.

**BASS IT!**

Three chapters in a year!? I'm on a roll!

Lol, okay, so I'm not...

...Expect a new chapter up some time in the next month, and expect Undying Pie 3 somewhere around Christmas, or, whenever...

P.S. The Organization are likely to appear in MOST chapters, from now on. But still, there are multiple story lines! Whoo-hoo!


	4. Plateamid Head and the Missing, etc

**XEMNAS****'****S THERAPEUTIC VACATION**

**And Other Related Stories Involving The Cast Of KH On Crack.**

_**Or, Alternatively Titled: **__**'**__**Something Really, Really, Really Stupid Came Into ArcBus**__**'**__**s Head And Once Again She Found Herself Writing For The Sake Of RANDOM IMPULSIVE Purposes, Whilst On The Way To Kingdom Hearts**__**'**__**.**_

_Written by: ArcBus_

_For: TinoaGaruna_

_Note: A lot of the story will be inside jokes between myself and TinoaGaruna, so I personally don__'__t care if you __'__don__'__t get it__'__, because, well, all respective reviewers, it__'__s not actually meant for you. It__'__s meant for her. Okay? So I won__'__t accept flames for it. It__'__s just for her. __**GOTTIT!?**_

------------------------------------------------------------------

**CHAPTER FOUR - Plate-amid Head and the Missing Ice Cream Mystery...**

"Hey! Hey! Xaldin! Look!" Xigbar called from the other side of the kitchen to the larger Nobody.

Xaldin turned around momentarily from the stove to see Xigbar stood with a clean plate on his head and a clean knife in his hand, both of which had come from the dishwasher.

"I'm Plate-amid Head!"

Slowly, Xaldin begun to sweat drop.

"Plate-amid Head...?"

"Yeah, Plate-amid Head Man from the 'Quiet Hill' series!"

Shaking his head, Xaldin resumed cooking, telling himself, _'Braig probably____hit his head alot when he was younger...'_

And then, Larxene ported her way into the room.

"Hello, boys." She said quickly, before heading over to the deep freezer.

"Hello, Larxene." They droned.

Xigbar removed the plate from his head, before he dropped it, since he's _bound _to do something completely irresponsible like that. Obviously.

"So, erm, how's Vexie-boy and his test tube doin'?" He asked.

Larxene opened the freezer and dove inside. Almost literally.

"Good, they're good." She replied, echoing from inside the large appliance. "He just sent me for some ice cream."

For at least twenty seconds, she remained in there, the two male Nobodies staring pretty much cluelessly at her lower body dangling outside of the freezer, before she jumped back out; her arms, coat pockets and cleavage filled with sticks of sea salt ice cream. And that's _alot _of ice cream.

Xaldin cocked his (large) eyebrow. "Are you going to eat all of those?"

"Nope!" Larxene replied perkily, slamming the freezer shut. "We're just hiding it from Axel and Roxas. Wouldn't mind keeping it a secret, would you?"

"Sure thing, babe..." Xigbar agreed, proceeding to remove one of the ice creams from down the top of her cloak, but was quickly slapped away.

"The _hell _do you think you're DOING!?" She yelled.

"Whoa! I just wanted some ice cream!" Xigbar whined, rubbing the back of his rejected hand.

"..._Lame_..." Xaldin said slowly to his sharp shooting companion, shaking his head, as a pissed off Larxene gave a snort and teleported away.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Meanwhile, in the library, Luxord was sat at the table, making a house of cards, and had almost reached the top two cards, when suddenly...

"HIII, LUXORD!!!!!!" Demyx cried happily, perching himself on the end of the table, causing a great vibration which collapsed Luxord's house.

The older Nobody frowned. "Oh, _buggeration_!"

"Hey, Luxord, I was just wondering, how much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?" Demyx began to ramble. "I mean, Axel told me that if there's a wood chuck in a wood he's likely to chuck wood and he would chuck some wood but I wanna know how much wood he'd chuck!"

Luxord paused.

"...Erm, I believe three pieces." He answered, after thinking it over. "Now, I think you should go to the Naughty Step..."

He began to collect his cards up and rebuild, as Demyx slid off the table with a sad look.

"Oh, okay..." Demyx sniffed, before summoning a portal and walking through it as a sad violin solo whined in the background.

Five minutes later, Luxord had once again almost rebuilt his wondrous house of cards, when all of a sudden, the library doors swung open.

"BEWARE THE WINDS OF DESPAIR!!" Demyx boomed at the top of his voice, trying to sound like Xaldin, but somehow failing... _Somehow._

He brandished an air bazooka gun, and shot a massive whirl of air towards Luxord, knocking down his house of cards. Again.

Luxord frowned. Again. "_Arses_!"

He looked up at Demyx, whom was laughing his head off.

"Didn't I tell you to go to the Naughty Step!?" He raised his voice.

Demyx paused. "Erm, yeah, but, I realised that you rank lower than me, so you can't tell me to do that!"

Luxord groaned in response, beginning to convene his cards back from the floor to his hand using his magicky card trick magic so that he could start all over again with his card house.

"Well, just be gone with yourself and your jiggery-pokery! That's the fifthteenth time this week you've disrupted my card games.

"Oh, okay..." Demyx said sadly again, slowly walking out of the library as the sad violin solo began again.

So, Demyx, not wanting to bother Luxord anymore, walked his way through the hallowed hallways of the Castle That Never Was. Yes, you give the kid the ability to teleport through the darkness to reach far away places in mere instants, and he _walks _through the castle... But, that's a different story, for now.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Anyway, at that time, Sora, Riku and Kairi were on their way to search through the worlds for Maleficent and the Mary-Sues!

Now, is it just me, or did all Mary-Sue bashing parodies start popping up just after I wrote Undying Pie? Hmm... Oh well. Shameless self-advertising!? Me!? Never!!

"Is it just me, or did all Mary-Sue bashing parodies start popping up after Undying Pie?" Kairi asked.

The boys just shrugged in response.

"Okay, first stop - Radiant Garden!" Sora chirped, landing the gummi ship in said world.

"Hollow Bastion?" Riku asked.

"Maleficent's base is here, right? Well, why don't we ask her about what's going on, first?" Sora suggested.

Kairi and Riku just agreed, because, if they didn't, Sora would probably have thrown a tantrum at them, or something bad like that... Yeah... So, they landed in Radiant Garden, or Hollow Bastion, or, whatever you want to call it. I personally like to call it 'The world in which Final Fantasy characters are short listed to live'.

"I hope Leon and the others are okay!" Sora said, because that's usually the first thing he says whenever he gets to Radiant Garden.

"Let's go see." Riku said.

So, they went through the borough - without encountering any Heartless, of course, because the Heartless were all vanquished so the Organization could have their hearts, which would have made much more sense than the actual plot of KH2 - and straight into Merlin's house. Just like in every RPG ever, where you can burst into people's homes without invitation and rummage through their stuff and possibly take a few of their health items as souvenirs.

Sora looked around the empty house. "Looks like no one's home."

"OF COURSE NOT, YOU FOOLS!" Maleficent boomed, appearing in a puff of her smoggy green smog stuff. "NO ONE IS HERE TO WELCOME YOU!!"

"Maleficent!!" Sora yelled, as he, Riku and Kairi brandished their Keyblades. "What did you do with Leon and the others!!?"

"Why, I killed them and ate their livers!" She replied.

"Whhaaaaaaaaaaat!?" Sora squeaked in response, making that certain adorable sad face that makes everyone who's anyone with a heart feel really sorry for him.

"Are you targeting the Organization with a rabid gang of Mary-Sues!?" Riku asked, not really caring about Leon and the others since he'd never met them. Of course, he also wanted to get straight to the point of why they were in that particular world in the first place.

Maleficent gave him a slightly quizzical look. "You know about that? Well, my dear boy, you are partly correct."

"What do you mean by that?" He pressed.

"Well, if you must know, one of the members of the Organization - the Superior, in fact - left his world. And, by now the seven rabid Mary-Sues I gathered together must be in the world in which he resides, attacking him at this very moment with disgusting amounts of unrequited love! SOON, WITHOUT A SUPERIOR, THE ORGANIZATION WILL CRUMBLE, AND THEIR CASTLE AND KINGDOM HEARTS WILL BE _MIIIIIIINE_!!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAH!!" Maleficent cackled, before she quickly smogged away.

"Why would one of them want to leave the World That Never Was so close to achieving Kingdom Hearts?" Kairi asked, keeping the questions rolling.

"Who knows." Riku replied. "Maybe we should ask the Organization themselves."

"Leon... Aerith... Yuffie...!" Sora groaned sadly, dropping to the ground and punching at the floorboards beneath him. "Cloud... Tifa... Cid... Merlin...! They're... They're all gone! They're dead!!!"

"Sora... Isn't that them, right across the street?" Kairi asked, pointing out of the window to the borough where the Restoration Committee - Leon, Yuffie, Aerith, Cid, Cloud, Tifa and Merlin - had all gathered.

Sora quickly and blankly stood up and ran out of Merlin's House. Kairi and Riku watched through the window as he approached Leon's gang, and just as said group were about to say hello to him, he began to thrash at them violently with his Keyblade. Screams of pain and horror were heard inside from outside the house, and Kairi and Riku occasionally exchanged quite bewildered glances, as blood smeared and splattered across the side of Merlin's House, along with a mixture of stray chunks of flesh and bone, hair, clothing and teeth fragments.

After at least five minutes of unbroken combos, Sora walked back in with his blood-soaked Keyblade in hand and the same blank look on his face. He then dropped to the floor again and started to well up again.

"WHYYYY!? WHYYY!? WHY DID THEY ALL HAVE TO DIIIIIIIIEEE!?"

As he sobbed, Kairi and Riku again exchanged a dazed stare with each other. To them, it seemed like it was going to be a loooooong quest...

...Even though it really _wasn't_. But they didn't know that. No, of course not...

------------------------------------------------------------------

"ALOHA!" A random Hawaiian guy who was accompanied by two girls in grass skirts playing clunky music on their ukuleles said to Xemnas as he walked out of the airport in Hawaii that he had just teleported to for some reason. No, he didn't take a plane or a gummi ship to get there. He TELEPORTED. Yes...

"Yeah, yeah, yeah..." Xemnas shrugged him off quickly, as he cycled past him on his Barbie bike out of the airport.

As soon as Xemnas was out of the building, he stopped his bike, and took out a map from his 'hand luggage'.

"Hmmm..." He pondered, examining said map, but not understanding it. At all. "Now, where _is _that Godforsaken clinic!?" 

Just then, a little girl in a red print dress and a small mutant koala bear walked past Xemnas.

"Excuse me, little girl in a red print dress and small mutant koala bear..." He began, but was interrupted by the girl.

"He's not a mutant koala bear!!" She snapped. "He's a dog!! Aren't you, Stitch?" 

The mutant koala bear-dog hybrid sniffed at the floor for a while with his nose, before he pointed quite accusingly at Xemnas.

"BOOGA BOOGA!!" Stitch spurted.

Xemnas's eyebrow cocked. "Lovely... Anyway, little girl, I am looking for the therapy clinic. Would you happen to know where it is?"

Stitch began to sniff around again, this time in the air.

"What is it now, Stitch?" The girl asked.

Stitch pointed accusingly at Xemnas again. "Ewwwwww... FARTY FARTY!!"

Xemnas humphed.

"Little girl, your pet is unspeakably rude..." He scorned. "Shouldn't you be with your parents, anyway?"

"My name is Lilo, mister, not 'little girl'!" She said, as Stitch began to glower at Xemnas and wave his paw in front of his nose. "And Stitch was only telling you that you might need to--"

"_LISTEN_!!" Xemnas roared, his patience beginning to grow quite thin. "I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHERE THE THERAPY CLINIC IS!!!"

Lilo exchanged glances slowly with Stitch.

"It's down the end of this road..." She droned, pointing down the road.

"Thank you... That's all I wanted to know." Xemnas said. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go there..."

Xemnas then cycled away down the road on his Barbie bike.

"You know, Stitch..." Lilo said, as they watched him leave, and as Stitch removed his 'last resort' - a peg - from his nose. "...I have a bad feeling about that guy."

Stitch made an incomprehensible noise, but one which was definitely in agreement, as Xemnas faded away into the distance, leaving their sight.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Demyx, back in the Castle That Never Was, had been pacing around the castle's hallways for about ten minutes, when he had come to somewhere in which something quite intriguing was taking place...

...The kitchen!

... ... ...Again!

Xaldin had left the food on simmer, but he was being questioned by Axel, whom seemed pretty pissed off.

"Listen, Axel, for the last time, I didn't eat all the Goddamn sea salt ice cream!!" Xaldin groaned.

"But you've been in the kitchen the WHOLE TIME!!!" Yelled Axel. "WHO ELSE WOULD IT HAVE BEEN!?"

"Lots of the others come and go through the kitchen." Xaldin explained. "It could have been anyone."

He then spotted Demyx in the doorway, whom he instantly placed the blame on.

"Like, Demyx! Everything's his fault, isn't it!?"

Axel shook his head. "Yeah, fine, we can blame everything on Demyx! But let's be realistic about this! There was at least forty sticks of ice cream in there. Demyx wouldn't be stood there, perfectly healthy, if he'd eaten all of them. Besides, this is _forty sticks of sea salt ice cream _we're talking about! Got it memorized!? Demyx couldn't even fit _Saïx _in his mouth!"

Demyx shifted uneasily. "S-Saïx is... Really b--"

"DON'T SAY IT!!!!" Both Axel and Xaldin snapped at him.

"Erm, well, anyway, Axel..." Demyx said, scratching the back of his neck. "Y'know, I was in here this morning and Marluxia was here, so, maybe he knows something?"

"Marluxia has an alibi, dumbass! He was with me for most of today! Got it memorized!?" Axel retorted.

"You may want to speak to Lexaeus and Zexion." Xaldin suggested. "Just a thought, but, they might be able to give you more information than we can."

Axel groaned loudly, and teleported away.

"Demyx. Naughty step." Xaldin ordered, snapping his fingers in Demyx's direction.

"...Oh, okay..." Demyx said sadly, slowly walking out of the kitchen and in the direction of the naughty step, as the sad violin solo from a few scenes back began to play again.

After he had left, Xaldin grasped at his forehead.

"Ergh... _Kids_..." He grumbled to himself, as he then went to do whatever the hell he wanted to do before he had to resume cooking dinner.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Of course, Axel had now gone to look for Zexion and Lexaeus, whom were sitting quietly on the seating area reading, not too far away from Luxord at the table, who was still building his house of cards, and had almost got to the top again....

...And, just then, Axel ported in _right _next to the table, the whooshings of the darkness whipping around, causing a hefty breeze to knock Luxord's cards right over.

Luxord frowned, and slammed his fists on the table. "Oh, _tit wanks_!"

Axel dismissively shrugged in response to his irresponsible actions, and waltzed over to Lexaeus and Zexion like he was _Kefka _or somebody...

"Well..." Zexion said to Lexaeus before he had noticed Axel had appeared on the scene; he was reading a copy of Cosmopolitan, which may or may not have been Larxene's. I don't think we'll ever quite know. "...I took the test, and it turns out, I _do _put my career before men..."

"As you are a Nobody, I see that it would." Lexaeus responded.

Axel cleared his throat. "Yeah, so, either of you guys know who took the ice cream?"

Lexaeus looked upwards at Axel. Which is weird, since he's usually the one looking _down _on everyone...

"Ice cream?" He repeated.

"All the sea salt ice cream's been taken from the freezer. Apparently you guys might know something." Axel explained.

Zexion also then looked up from behind his copy of Cosmo.

"I would gladly sniff the ice cream out for you, but the last time I did something like that, we ended up in frozen food section of Wal-Mart. Somehow I can't tell the difference unless someone or something is unique. Although, Axel, I did hear Xigbar talking about ice cream a short while back. I believe he was merely moaning to himself, but, I suggest you ask him if you need to know." He explained in longhand, before returning to his magazine. "Ah, horoscopes... Let's see..."

"Errrr... Okay... Thanks..." Axel said slowly, backing away.

Little did he know that when he was backing up, he was going to back up into the table, at which Luxord had - of course - started rebuilding his house of cards. With a slight impact from the back of an uncoordinated Axel's legs, the cards fell back down.

Luxord once again frowned heavily, looking like his eyes were about to pop out of their sockets, as he began to bang his head violently on the table top. "_Bollocky-bollocks with Voldemort's nipple on top_!!!"

Axel kind of shifted slightly, rubbing the back of his neck. He didn't apologise, though, he just got out of there as fast as he could, teleporting to where he knew Xigbar to be - the living room.

------------------------------------------------------------------

'_We now return to __**Single Female Lawyer: Rabanastre**__!' _The TV announcer... Announced.

"Court is now in back session for the trial of Mr. Bernie-Bernie-Berns Frillifreesechaco." Ondore said, banging his gavel.

"Mr. Frillifreesechaco is completely innocent!" Ashe demanded, slamming her hands against the courtroom desk in front of her. "He did not kill his wife, nor my fiancée, nor all the other victims!"

"**OBJECTION!**" Ghis yelled, pointing an angry finger at the opposition. "May the court please recall that the man in question admitted to the murder!?"

"**OBJECTION!**" Ashe yelled in response. "He did no such thing!"

"**OBJECTION! **Yes he DID!"

"Objections overruled!" Ondore said, banging his gavel, before doing what looked like he was twirling it in his fingers and calling himself 'Card Captor Sakura'.

"Erm, what the _hell _are you watching?" Axel asked.

Xigbar was sat lazily on the couch in front of the TV.

"Single Female Lawyer: Rabanastre." He replied.

"...Right..." Axel said slowly. "Well, anyway, I went to Zexion who told me you might have some knowledge of the missing ice cream?"

"Ice cream...?" Xigbar repeated. "Oh, yeah, I might know a little!"

"Really...?"

"Yeah! And since Larxene was such a _bitch _to me, maybe I _won't _keep her secret!"

Axel raised his oddly-shaped eyebrow.

"Wait..." He said. "What's this about Larxene?"

"H'okay..." Xigbar began to explain. "Well, Axel, my red-headed ninja-clown Flame Boy dudey friend, the Blonde Bitch comes into the kitchen earlier on, and she dives right into the freezer. First, dude, I ask her, 'How's Vex doin'?', and so, she tells me he sent her to get ice cream, and in fact, they were hiding it from you and Roxas. So, she takes all the ice cream, and then I try to get one off her, and she slaps my hand away! It hurt like _hell, _dude! So, then she went off to her little play pen known as the lab. With ALL the ice cream. Seriously. But, it's okay, Flame Boy! I'm goin' back out soon. I'll pick you some ice cream up, 'kay?"

"So... It was Larxene... And Vexen...?"Axel said, quite quizzically. "I guess it's time I payed a visit to the lab..."

"Right, you do that, then..." Xigbar said, continuing at this point to watch SFL: Rabanastre.

"I wouldn't, if I were you." Zexion said, instantly appearing out of nowhere, with the copy of Cosmo tucked in his arms, and scaring the hell out of both Xigbar and Axel.

"Wh-Where the HELL did you come from!?" Axel exclaimed with a jolt.

Zexion looked at him blankly. LIKE A COW. MOO. "The library, of course. You were there a minute ago, weren't you? I was just passing through, but I can tell you that Larxene is in her room, and Vexen is not in the castle."

"Fine, I'll go pay a visit to _Larxene's room, _then!" Axel confirmed.

"Right, you do that, then..." Xigbar repeated himself, again back to watching the TV.

Axel teleported away, and Zexion sat next to Xigbar on the couch.

"What are you watching?" He asked inquisitively.

"Single Female Lawyer: Rabanastre." Replied Xigbar.

Zexion stared blankly (LIKE A COW. MOO) at the TV for a few moments.

"Why is her skirt so short?" He enquired in a way that sounded quite naïve for him.

"Because, Zexy-boy, that's the beauty of the show! 'The most ruthless will and the shortest skirt in all of Ivalice; Defence Attorney Princess Ashelia B'nargin Dalmasca!"

Zexion glanced over at Xigbar. Blankly. LIKE A COW. MOO.

"You are quite disgusting, sometimes..."

**BASS IT!**

And, that makes four! Wow! And two in one week? Lucky you!

Again, expect another chapter soon-ish.

TTFN!


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